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15 Absurd MLB ballpark foods

Jordan Rodness (@therodness) Mar. 31, 2014 1:35 PM
The 2014 MLB season is upon us, and ballparks all across America are gearing up to serve up food guaranteed to clog your arteries faster than Mike Trout can steal a base. Below, you'll find 15 of the newest, most impressive, disgusting, head-shaking, heart-attack inducing items available this season. Under no circumstances should anyone take it upon themselves to try all this food on their own, but if you do, I'm sure Bud Selig will be glad to pay for your upcoming triple bypass.



Arizona Diamondbacks D-Bat Hot Dog

An 18" deep fried corn dog, filled with bacon, jalapenos and cheese, served on a bed of fries. It is a corn dog the size of a baseball bat. For real. You can buy this.

Texas Rangers Bacon on a Stick

Just straight up some bacon on a stick. This will not be the last time you see Texas on this list.

Minnesota Twins Bloody Mary

I've seen some interesting things put in a Bloody Mary before, but never an entire hamburger. I guess it really is a meal in a glass.

Houston Astros Texas Hold 'Em

In an attempt to keep up with their neighbours in Arlington, the Astros have perfected this beauty. A BBQ chicken sandwich with cheddar, tomato, cole slaw and french fries right on top, all served on thick Texas toast. Because why eat fries on the side when you can just shove everything in your mouth at once?

Philadelphia Philles Cheez Whiz Bacon Hot Dog

Philly Cheese Steaks are already gut-busters, so it's no surprise they'd make the jump with their hot dogs as well. The name pretty much explains itself.

Arizona Diamondbacks Venom Dog

In our second masterpiece from Arizona, we have the Venom Dog, a foot-long habanero sausage with beans, guacamole and sour cream. Though not as large as it's cousin, the addition of beans means you may have to visit the washroom twice as fast.

Seattle Mariners Cheese Curds

This one is a whole other level of disgusting. Poutine lovers will be familiar with cheese curds, but this bad boy goes a step further by DEEP-FRYING the curds. They drizzle some honey on top so that there's a sweet taste in your mouth as your arteries come to a halt.

West Michigan Whitecaps Augger Dogger

Alright, you can't get this one at an MLB ballpark, but the Detroit Tiger's Single-A affiliate offers up this deep-fried hot dog on a stick surrounded by potato chips. I'm impressed by the artistry on this one more than anything.

Texas Rangers Frozen Beer

While not technically food, this is one had to crack the list. In honour of Yu Darvish's Japanese heritage, the Rangers will be serving up frozen <i>Kirin</i> beer, the Japanese equivalent of Bud. Of everything Japenese they could have gone with, they went with this.

Pittsburgh Pirates Tatchcos

Taking you back to your high school cafeteria, the Pirates are offering Tater Tots doused in chili, spicy nacho cheese, sour cream and scallions.

Texas Rangers Burger

Once again we head back to Texas, where Nolan Ryan is apparently supplying his own beef for this monstrosity, which is essentially a giant piece of lasagna filled with a hamburger patty. Some things just don't belong together, these are two of them.

Detroit Tigers Poutine Dog

Another team who decided to take two things that, on their own, are delicious, and smash them together in some weird life-threatening science experiment. This might not even be the craziest hot dog they offer, as their Late Night Dog has bacon, fried egg, and cheddar cheese on it. And you wonder why people associate America with obesity...

Chicago White Sox 12-Scoop Banana Split

Finally, some dessert! If you weren't lactose intolerant going into this one, you will be coming out. Twelve scoops of ice cream, whipped cream, cherries, chocolate sauce, and banana (to keep it healthy) are served up in a FULL SIZE BATTING HELMET. SERIOUSLY.

Texas Rangers Choomongous

The signing of Shin-Soo Choo in Arlington brings us the Choomongous, a 24" spicy-Asian beef sandwich that comes wit it's own wheelchair to wheel you out of the ballpark when you're done.

Tampa Bay Rays 4lb Burger

Finally, Tampa Bay is offering a challenge to their fans: eat a four pound burger and a pound of french fries, and they'll give you two free tickets to the game (and a t-shirt)! Just don't try to squeeze into the t-shirt after finishing up.

Play ball, and good eating folks!