If hell freezes over and I ever make it to the NHL playoffs -- miraculously overcoming my inability to skate more than a few feet without doing a five-star face plant -- somebody please, please, PLEASE stop me from spouting Pilgrim Face in order to earn favour with the hockey gods.
Why? Because friends don't let friends believe in playoff beards.
Seriously, if you want to look like a hobo in the name of team spirit, knock yourself out. Just don't try to pass it off as anything more masculine or important than a group of girls coordinating outfits before a night at the bar.
There's people who genuinely believe beards are crucial for playoff luck. They're deadly serious about it. So, for those people, I have just one word: Odds.
Every year, 16 teams make the NHL playoffs.
Every year, 16 teams grow playoff beards.
And every year, 15 of those 16 teams lose.
A playoff beard in your locker room actually carries a 93.75% chance of Stanley Cup failure. A 15-in-16 miss-the-mug ratio. Almost a guarantee of an early post-season start on the golf course. Does someone want to explain to me how this is a lucky thing?
So without even dipping into the fact that half the players can't actually grow a beard (mmm, patchy, wispy and ginger) I'm just gonna go ahead and file playoff beards under 'not so lucky'.
You know what I'd love to see, though? An entire team that just laughs off all the crazy superstitions. No ugly facial fur. No matching haircuts. No avoiding the Conference Trophy like it has swine flu.
Not even a gag order on trash talk. Why not just call the other team out? Let their coach post the quote in the locker room, get them all fired up -- then go out and lay the smackdown on them anyway.
Just to show, once and for all, the hockey gods don't really care about post-season grooming.
Look, I get the team spirit thing. Really, I do. But if I'm even the tiniest bit superstitious? A 93% chance of losing would be more than enough to make me pass on the decision to look like I slept on a doorstep last night.